Fears and worries and the anxieties that follow are mind numbing, time consuming, and just a giant pile of fuckall. That’s the perfect word to describe the way a mind works when worry and fear.
I couldn’t have seen this at a better time. Analyzing my anxiety attack and why it happens. Having to break down the reasoning behind it. Finding the trigger, labeling the fear, then break down the past and why it effects me, how it could effect me and how it should effect me. Reliving past moments, traumas and trepidations bring me to the height of the anxiety and fear. Worrying about my past only makes it worse. Great piece to read! It makes sense to the non anxiety mind but makes more sense to the one who remembers to break down the past and watch it leave the mind.
I am a constant reminder that God is good everyday.
Only when I stop allowing the devil into my thoughts, I will have peace over my heart and mind. Finding the root to my anxieties is a start. I’m finding those fears and slowing allowing them to surface and break down. One by one. The root started 22 years ago….
I didn’t realize the little anxieties that came with parenting. Maybe it was something I took for granted or maybe just never thought too much about it. In three years I have felt fears I never knew existed. In three years I have felt confidence I never knew I had. Being a mother is the best gift God ever gave me. Being their mother taught me that.
Each night I see my kids and notice them. I see Cameran sleeping and tell her just how lovely she is. I see her room filled with pictures of friends all with smiles on their faces. A smile that has been a work in progress, but one that now is in full effect. She has a true gift. Bradyn’ room is filled with dirty socks covered in sand, books on the floor and his cologne collection. When I tuck him in, I still see his stuffed puppy that was waiting for him on his first day. Something as little as a stuffed animal makes my heart melt and wonder how much longer will he be my little boy. Sidda sleeps like a wild child, just like her arrival. It was wild and cautious. I tuck her back in the middle, move the hair from her face and whisper how God and Jesus knew she would be healthy and perfect. My night is complete and I can finish the chores I didn’t finish during the day. My anxieties cease knowing each of my children are sleeping peacefully. Cameran dreams of the dance that’s coming soon. Bradyn dreams of the soccer field and sports Vines. Sidda dreams of cupcakes and puppy dogs.
I thought this picture was a perfect portrayal of me. To my children. ❤️
The hubs and I agreed with the contract to move to Saudi Arabia. We were excited and nervous. Having two kids, uprooting them to a country completely so far from home we had to research and explore this mystery sand mine. But oh what an adventure it would be.
Then I got pregnant. Something so unexpected and so far from my thoughts I didn’t think it would happen. But it did. I was scared shitless but planned ahead for our future. After all, a baby is a welcomed surprise or so I thought.
Prematurity has a way of kicking you in the ass when you don’t know anything thing about it. As the Mr. left for Saudi my water broke and one week later my precious angel, my miracle, my 28 week preemie was born. The hospital stay was 100 long days of just me being there. My two kids were with the in-laws. I was back and forth from the hospital to the hotel. Each time, each day she grew stronger and stronger. It was me that was weak. I was alone and petrified. FaceTime dates were nice with the Mr. but still not the same. It was such a huge change to be apart of. I knew nothing about the NICU or any machine that made beeps. All I knew was this perfect baby was mine and I was her mother. I had to be there each day to watch her grow. That was my job for three and a half months.
Welcome to my blog. A place where I will vent, type fast, type slow, cry while typing, laugh while typing, and most probably wipe some sort of jelly or twinkie crumbs from my laptop. I am a mother. I am a wife. I am an American expat living in Saudi Arabia. A roller coaster ride to get here, but here for 9 months.Life is an adventure with three kids, a husband and a bus driver named Kumar. These are my thoughts, opinions, children questions, worries, happy fun vacations, date nights and every bump in the middle. Nine months later, I finally start writing. So it begins…